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A little more personal…

How does one simply deal with grief?

When a loss digs so deep into who you are that you question every morsel of yourself when they are taken away?

Can you ever become whole again?

I have been away for a couple more days than I had planned and you deserve an explanation before I become accustomed to not writing to you. I am lost in a void of grief and not even the happiest books or the weirdest writing prompts have managed to pull me from it.

I may be young at 22 but I have known grief many times, but nothing as close as this. I lost my grandfather at such a young age that I cannot remember the process of how I moved on… or in fact how I felt after the news broke of his passing. At eleven I had little to remember but what I remembered warms my heart to this day.

But now at 22 years I have spent too long knowing they were there, leaning on them when I need them. Seeing them happy and sad, being able to call on them whenever I need; none of which I can do any longer. Monday 7th March 2016 marks the day my Grandmother left this life to join her long lost love in the heavens.

It marks the day a thousand hearts shattered and a million tears were shed.

I must be destined for loss every 11 years. Better than most I suppose but still not long enough.

It is never long enough.

It’s in the darkness of the void, where time seems to slow to a trickle and each facet of information sinks deep into your existence; that you become deeply aware of how fleeting human life is. Death. The peaceful end to a chaotic life, unavoidable and something that makes every creature equal upon this earth.

I had spoken with her many times about the consequences of life, I had learned a piece of her that many had overlooked. She may not have left the world in a peaceful slumber like she had dreamed since she lost her husband (before I was born- regrettably) but at least she went in a way she had desired. A quick death suits us all.

In the books they draw out death, they make them want to cling on to the tiny flickers that are left. They couldn’t be further from the truth. No-one wants to linger in a body that no longer wants them, just as no-one wants to linger in unwelcomed company. She knew her time had come without needing to fight for a single moment.

She sat and smiled.

She joked and laughed.

Closed her eyes and fell into an eternal sleep.

So sit with me my friends, from behind your glowing screens; and appreciate the life that beats through  us.

For no matter how we live, we are all equal in death.

Helen x

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